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When you play Favorites Posted January 13, 2009
Parents can't help it. It's human nature to favor one child over another," says Elna Martin Rogel, head of the Guidance Center of the Don Bosco Technical Institute, Makati City. "Some parents are just in denial or hide it better than the others." Favoritism is not done intentionally, in most cases. One child may be more intelligent than the other, more sickly, friendlier, more often in trouble. The human tendency to take care of the underdog or to be drawn to charm sometimes gets in the way of the proper raising of children. And, according to Rogel, this breeder of jealousy called favoritism can affect children - both the favored and the unfavored - even in adulthood. What favoritism does "For one thing, favoritism increase the incidence of sibling rivalry," says Rogel. One child gets candy; the other just gets a pat on the head. Jeaslousy tickles and an all-out war in the children's bedroom may result. This is easy enough to control and resolve since it takes place at home, where the parents have easy access to the goings-on. "But sometimes, the unfavored child can't retaliate at home because [s/he's] afraid of getting rejected further," says Rogel. "So [s/he] takes [his or her] anger and frustration to another setting - to school, usually." This may escalate, and eventually, he unfavored children may grow to have self-esteem. They may also be cold and aloof towards others and have trouble forming friendships. "The unfavored child usually tries to protect [her/himself] from further hurt and rejection," says Rogel. "So building relationships is difficult for [him or her]. [S/he] will try to keep a safe distance from people, so they don't get close enough to hurt him [or her] again." On the upside (sort of) it is easier for unfavored children to accept rejection. Their experience of rejection at home gives them "practice" so they learn to cope with disappointment better. Sometimes, they mature faster. On the other hand, it isn't a bed of roses, either, for the favored sibling. Having everything handed to him or her from childhood doesn't make for effective training in handling rejection. "Because [s/he] never knew rejection at home, the favored child may grow up without a firm handle on his [or her] emotions when [s/he] experiences rejection" says Rogel. Rejection will be a foreign concept to him or her, and once he or she realizes his or her parents aren't around to reverse the situation, the favored child, when dissappointed in adulthood, won't know what to do and how to feel. How to fix it "Parents should be cognizant of their treatment of their kids," says Rogel. Working on the premise that all parents have favorites, Rogel adds, "Parents should recognize that their kids are smart and their kids know and feel when they have favorites. Playing favorites has to be kept from the children. Otherwise, it will [cause] scars [in] everyone." Favoritism would be easier to control if parents would avoid making comparisons. If they can't help comparing their kids, parents could ease the potential pain comparisons bring by concentrating on the positive. "It's all in the words you choose," says Rogel. "Instead of saying 'Why can't you be like your brother and be an honor student?' say 'If you brother can be an honor student, so can you.'" Recognize your kids' individual talents and skills. One child's difficulties in school may be offset by his brilliance with music. His sibling's ordinary looks may be rendered irrelevant by her friendliness and bubbly personality. Each child has his or her own strengths and weaknesses, and each child deserves equal love and attention from both parents. Date your kid If you're guilty of openly favoring one child over another, it's time to do some damage control. Go on one-on-one dates with each of your children at least once a week. This alone time will give you a peek into each of your children's wonderful qualities, and get you hooked - equally. 1. On Friday night, take your daughter out to a movie and dinner. Let her pick the movie and the restaurant. She will appreciate your effort to get to know her world. 2. Take your toddler to the playground and turn off your cellphone. Give him your entire attention, even if it means waving at him standing on the slide for the 50th time. 3. Schedule a date to the salon for you and your teenage daughter. Bring out the kikay in you and listen to her spill on her latest crushes. 4. Even if you don't know who Sandwich is, or who the Jonas Brothers are, pop their CD in the player and listen to them with your daughter while whipping up a yummy batch of cookies together. Listen to how your daughter sings along or watch how she dances to their tunes.
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